Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Saying goodbye
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
I’m feeling rather melancholic lately. My grandfather passed away a week ago and the whole extended family came together for the wake and funeral. I don’t see my extended family very often, so it was really nice to have everyone back together after such a long time. It is actually quite morbid if you think about it.
When Dad called and told me that Gonggong passed away, I felt my heart dropped and I teared a bit. I rushed down to Gonggong’s place with my brothers and saw Gonggong resting peacefully. Kwan was right, it was time. And it was better for Gonggong to leave so he did not have to suffer any longer. Leah told me that sometimes Gonggong wished he could end it fast. Gonggong was in pain she said, sometimes it hurt so bad that he jolts awake in the middle of the night. Leah said that Gonggong passed away panting heavily, and then slowly and gradually, he left.
On the way to Gonggong’s place, I regretted going to work in the morning. Mum told me that Gonggong’s slipping into a coma and I had wanted to go see him in the day but I couldn’t. I wished I could have seen him one more time before he left us, I wished I had said goodbye to Gonggong. Somehow, I felt that he did not have much time and that Gonggong would leave us very soon, like within that day or the next. The last time I saw him, his body felt chilly and very fragile. I massaged him a bit and was so afraid that I might hurt him.
Gonggong was never the grandfather who would play around with his grandchildren. We weren’t very close to him, only the usual greetings and occasionally a bit of chit chatting. Gonggong was 82 years old when he passed away. He had been diagnosed with lung cancer a year ago and has fought against the cancer until last Thursday when he finally gave in to the cruel disease.
Leah told me a lot of funny anecdotes about Gonggong and when she was taking care of him and when she was living in Gonggong’s place. She said sometimes Gonggong would scold my uncle who is suffering from Down Syndrome. She said Gonggong joked that she should marry my uncle so she could also take good care of him. Gonggong said that Leah is good and had adopted her as his god-granddaughter.
During the funeral, I caught up with my cousins and relatives. It was nice and I had a sense of belonging. We worked well together, folding incense papers, burning them for Gonggong so that he has enough money for his journey for the afterlife. I felt that I was doing my minimal duty as a grand daughter for Gonggong. It is the least I could do for him I thought. The first day of the wake, they had to place Gonggong in his coffin. It was quite tricky, carrying Gonggong down all the way from the 12th storey to the first. It was quite a procession. Before they placed the lid on the coffin, all of us took a last look at Gonggong and bade him goodbye. It was real depressing, I teared when I said goodbye to Gonggong.
The next few days of the wake were rather dull as we had loads of prayers and walking around in circles. There were the Teochew and Hokkien prayers, and I couldn’t differentiate at all, so it didn’t really matter to me. But I enjoyed my cousins’ company tremendously. I was so annoyed by my brothers slipping away to go play Dota all the time. Really, they don’t seem bothered by the fact that they do not have a living grand parent any more. But I do, I feel quite lonely actually. Death is such a peculiar thing.
During the funeral, I was so burned out. I felt so sleepy and so dead due to the lack of sleep for the past few days. My heart ached and I felt miserable. During the procession, the funeral band played depressing Chinese songs; my tears flowed endlessly as we walked around the casket, throwing incense paper on the floor. It was such an emotional scene. My uncles and aunties were crying, my mom was crying. I think, seeing your own mother cry is one of the most difficult things to witness. I always feel like crying when I see my own mother cry. My mom is one of the strongest person I know, seeing her cry is so heart wrenching. It makes me feel sour inside and then makes me cry as well.
When the funeral ended, I felt a sudden sense of loss. It felt like a separation. Like it is going to be a really long time before all of us will congregate again. I felt really down and uninterested in anything at all. I cried when I got home, cried when I was alone in bed, getting ready to sleep. Cried and cried till I fell asleep.
Gonggong, I hope that you are in a better place without any sufferings. I hope you can have your favorite duck rice everyday and strike lottery in your heaven. I will miss you. Goodbye GongGong.
11:26 PM |
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